In prison, it matters who you roll with. Not only does your crew keep you safe, but they also keep you sane. In Orange Is the New Black, the inmates of Litchfield form authentic bonds with each other, some stronger than any they’ve had on the outside. These intricate families are sometimes harmonious, but sometimes they clash like stripes and polka dots. The cage is full, the cage is full…with big personalities.
In Harry Potter, the students of Hogwarts know a thing of two about makeshift families. Like Litchfield, first years are divided into one of four houses—Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, or Hufflepuff. Friendships are forged, romances bloom, and rivalries thrive. While nobody gets shivved, wands can be just as deadly. So what if the inmates of OITNB were transferred to Hogwarts? What house would each woman find herself in? Would the families be split up? Here are the Inmates of Orange is the New Black Sorted Into Their Hogwarts Houses.
Piper Chapman - Slytherin
Some prisoners smoke cigarettes, others smuggle in drugs, but Piper gets high on herself. She presents a mask of good intentions, but if anybody crosses her, Piper will show her true Slytherin snake skin. When Ruiz copied Piper’s panty-smuggling business, Piper devised a scheme to get her into trouble, resulting in Ruiz getting three to five years added to her sentence. This wasn’t Piper’s goal, but if she was capable of thinking about anyone else for a minute, she might have been able to foresee the consequences to her revenge plan. Like most Slytherins, Piper comes from privilege and deludes herself to the fact that Litchfield—and the world—doesn’t revolve around her.
Alas, Piper is hardly Lord Voldemort. She can be known to use her cunning for good. After Red starved her out of the kitchen, Piper found a way to make peace by giving Red a soothing lotion for her sore back. Yes, Piper was thinking of herself but her solution found a way to help Red as well. Though she may have layers, Piper is a pure-blooded Slytherin.
Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren - Hufflepuff
This former supermarket greeter has a smile and a bear hug for everyone she meets. What she lacks in personal space boundaries, Suzanne more than makes up for in Hufflepuff kindness. During Piper’s starvation, Suzanne gives her hot peppers in an effort to help her.
Suzanne possesses the classic Hufflepuff combination of loyalty and naïveté. This makes it easy for people to take advantage of her, like the ruthless Vee. She preyed upon Suzanne’s Hufflepuff values, maneuvering her into going after Vee’s enemies, like Poussey. However, while Suzanne may be easy to manipulate, she stands up for both herself and her friends. This is most dramatically illustrated when Suzanne felt spurned by Piper and responded by urinating in Piper’s cubicle. While Piper may no longer be “Dandelion”, Suzanne will always be a Hufflepuff—one not to be messed with.
Galina “Red” Reznikov - Slytherin
Most mama bears put their cubs before themselves. While Red fights tooth and nail for her “prison daughters”, she sees her matriarch role as a status symbol. She treats many of her family members like servants, getting them to rub her back or shave her legs. Slytherins care deeply about their appearance and Red’s kryptonite is her namesake hair dye.
Slytherins need a rival to beat and feel superior over. Draco Malfoy had Harry Potter. Red has had Pornstache, Vee, Piscatella, and Frieda, just to name a few. Her obsession with besting them has, at times, directly put her treasured family in danger. Slytherin Red always has to be at the top of the food chain, even if she’s there alone.
Tasha “Taystee” Jefferson - Gryffindor
In Litchfield, Taystee brings the flavor. Her uproarious sense of humor breathes life into the prison and Taystee is well-liked. She’s also daring enough to speak up when others are too afraid, no matter how outrageous the request—like getting Fifty Shades of Grey in the library. As funny as she is, Taystee’s not just a clown; she knows how to be serious. She is the chosen negotiator during the prison riot. Like a true Gryffindor, Taystee is willing to put herself on the front lines of battle.
Unfortunately, Taystee also possesses a Gryffindor’s stubbornness. During the negotiation, she refuses to give an inch when Figureoa says all the demands will be met, with the exception of charging Bailey with Poussey’s murder. Taystee’s “daring, nerve, and chivalry” sets this Gryffindor apart.
Dayanara Diaz - Hufflepuff
Of all the inmates, nobody would benefit from a Hogwarts transfer more than Daya. She belongs in House Hufflepuff where kindness is embraced, not exploited. At Litchfield, inmates all but form a cue to take advantage of Daya, with her mother being first in line. Aleida dangles her affection just out of Daya’s reach, making her jump through hoops to get it.
Daya often gets swept up in schemes she has no desire to take part in, but doesn’t have the heart to say no. Most notably, this includes seducing creepy Pornstache in order to make him the fall guy for her pregnancy.
After getting a life sentence for killing CO Humphrey—another decision (somewhat) influenced by others—Daya becomes stone-cold and cutthroat. Not very Hufflepuffian, but this is the maximum security way and if anyone wants to be accepted, it’s Daya.
Gloria Mendoza - Ravenclaw
Like Red, Gloria is the matriarch of her prison family. However, that’s where their similarities end. Though Gloria can get crafty when she needs to, any sneakiness is deployed only for the sake of others. She displays a quick, Ravenclaw wit and expects her kids to as well. That goes for her prison daughters and her son on the outside.
Gloria’s toughness may border on harsh, but people are grateful to have her in their corner, even if it means the occasional verbal flogging. During the riot, when inmates were demanding Cheetos and tampons, Gloria was the one with the good sense to ask for amnesty. A hundred points for Ravenclaw!
Lorna Morello Muccio - Hufflepuff
As Litchfield’s sweetheart, Lorna loves love. Whether it’s for her hubby Vinnie, occasional prison lover Nicky, or any of her prison sisters, Lorna showers them with affection and devotion. Piper noted that Lorna was the first person to be nice to her at Litchfield. Really, who else but a Hufflepuff would take care of prison rats?
Lorna can cross over from optimistic to delusional at the bat of a mascaraed eyelash. She doesn’t respond well when those delusions are shattered, as her ex-“fiancé”—they went on one date—can attest. Yes, the woman can make some supremely bad decisions. A prime example would be when she encouraged Suzanne to “be herself” by going off her medication. As ill-advised as this may be, everything Lorna does is in the name of Hufflepuff goodness.
Tiffany “Pennsatucky” Doggett - Gryffindor
Though Pennsatucky has undergone one of the most dramatic characters shifts in the entire series, she has always remained a Gryffindor. She started off as a foul-mouthed religious fanatic who was as impulsive as she was dangerous. Offended by Piper’s rejection of her faith, Pennsatucky’s response is to attack her with a sharpened cross. This doesn’t go as planned and while Pennsatucky gets her teeth knocked out, she gets some sense knocked in.
Pennsatucky can still make the occasional terrible decision, like escaping prison with the evil CO Coates. But rashness aside, Pennsatucky never lost her sense of bravery. She worked up the courage to leave Coates and turn herself back in. That takes guts of Gryffindor steel.
Alex Vause - Slytherin
When it comes to saving her own skin, cat-eyed Alex isn’t afraid to let the claws come out. This usually involves throwing someone under the bus. When she got busted for drug-running, Alex gave up every name she could, including Piper’s. Later in prison, Slytherin Alex managed to get Piper back under her thrall, only to rat their affair out to Piper’s fiancé Larry. Talk about using any means to achieve your ends.
While prison time can harden some, it softens Alex. She develops a conscience, showing real remorse after killing hitman Aydin in self defense. Her Slytherin romance with Piper even blossoms into something resembling functional. Piper becomes Alex’s top priority, but don’t be fooled. Alex still has her venom and will use it against anyone who threatens her woman.
Nicky Nichols - Gryffindor
As the Lothario of Litchfield, Nicky has had erotic encounters with many an inmate. Gryffindors are known for their hedonism and also their competitiveness. Nicky jumps at the chance to compete with Big Boo to see who can achieve the most sexual conquests. Though Nicky enjoys succumbing to lust whenever possible, she carries a real torch for Lorna and puts her first. It is a brave Gryffindor act to let go of the person you love. During the prison riot, Nicky encourages the pregnant Lorna to surrender to the SWAT team, unsure if they’ll ever be reunited.
Nicky is also a recovering heroin addict. Despite one setback, she has managed to stay sober throughout her entire prison sentence. This, combined with the love Nicky shows for her prison family, makes her a true Gryffindor hero.
